She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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