omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
