I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
