Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize