I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
