If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
