I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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