Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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