Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
