Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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