You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
