I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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