I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
