your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
