Umm I'm too high to move.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
