Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
