ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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