in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize