I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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