3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize