If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Randomize
