i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
