I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize