What did we do last night that was yellow?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
