Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
