Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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