My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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