I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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