i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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