3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
