it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
