i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How does it feel to date your dad?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
