God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
