I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
