I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
