Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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