some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
