So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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