I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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