and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
