I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
