the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
