I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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