Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
