where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize