Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
