Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
