That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
