Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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