the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
