Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
