genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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