So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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