I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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