the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
