Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
