is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
