Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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