I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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