i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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