Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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