actually, I'm a sock model
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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