i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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