i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
