you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
