I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
