i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
