The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
