We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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