what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
