This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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