life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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