today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
